As all of you know, I am truly an expert at going on first dates. I mainly go on first dates without going on many second dates at all. I love the awkwardness, the conversations with strangers and seeing how different people act within different contexts. All people are different, and all people act differently, but here are a few questions that are an ideal way to make sure that your first date turns out as amazing as possible. They also truly allow you to understand who your date is as a human.

• If you had to choose between only being friends with trees for the rest of your life, or having a normal number of friends but not being able to speak whenever you are with them, which would you choose? – Channel their natural side and find out how important being the center of attention is to them. Do they love talking so much that they are fine with the only response they get being slight leaf swaying? Valuable knowledge!
• How much do you think it costs to have a capybara as a pet per year? If they give you any answer, your date is a certified criminal! It is illegal to have a capybara as a pet in most states. You know what having a capybara as a pet has shown a direct correlation with? DRUGS! And lots of them!
• Where is the best ramen in the city? The only proper answer to this question is I don’t know you’re the expert, you tell me where the best ramen in the city with. This prevents a full-on feud. Ask your date a question that you know only you can truly answer correctly. If they don’t look for you for your ultimate and godly wisdom, then it is a no no sir to that human bean.
• If an anteater weighs 10 pounds and eats two trader joe’s cases of guacamole and then goes on a 2-mile jog around the entire main island of Hawaii, what is his name? This question tests your date’s IQ. If they do not answer correctly, they ain’t the man for YOU.
• What is your second cousin’s uncle’s father’s third cousin’s name? First off, this question makes sure there is no shared ancestry that you might awkwardly realize down the line. Also, your date should care about their family! If they do not know the answer to this, they very clearly are not committed to their extended familia and could be subject to some disapproval from Great Uncle Jimbo.
• Вам нравится есть морковку с пальцами? You clearly want your date to speak several languages so that your future offspring can be certified polyglots who go to Harvard. If they do not understand this important question and answer in perfect Russian, then they are a major нет not to mention a неудачник.
• What sort of narwhal are you hoping to get from this relationship? Play a classic spin on the traditional and unbelievably obnoxious “So, what are you looking for?”. If they seem confused by this question, especially if used in response to them asking the typical “what are you looking for” question, they are 100% canceled.
• Would you rather have sixteen ears on your back or eleven eyes on your head? Always good to ask these questions to get to the root of who they are within. What kind of bozo would want ears on their head?
• Do you like olives? The only legitimate answer to this question is no, you can eat all of them Kayla.
• Date not going so well? Get him to ask the next question. Dive under the table and begin looking for a nonexistent object so that they have to ask “so, what are you looking for?” so that you can promptly answer “NOT YOU!” and run run run away as fast as you possibly can.